I was never one of them. I wasn’t their brother. I was their dad’s new kid. I wasn’t their friend since they were born, I was the kid from Michigan who arrived in second grade. I wasn’t the kid from Bay Catholic, I was the kid that came in 7th grade and who never fully embraced the school. I wasn’t the kid from Gulfport from Bayou View, I was the guy from Long Beach who inserted himself into your social scene. I wasn’t the frat guy dedicated to his house and pledges, I was the one mingling with people across multiple fraternity’s, GDI social groups, the music scene, all of it. I’ve never been one of them, and by now I know I never will be.
We’re all freaks—every single one of us. Some just take longer to show it. What I mean is all that not fitting in is exactly how a lot of people feel their whole lives, but the take the shoe horn and slide their heel in to what they think they should do, who they think they should be. Some, and I count me as one of those, are lucky enough to create their own worlds so they can have others feel a part. Freakshows for sure, but more like multiple independent movies where we play a bit part of who we think we should be in a given situation.
Even so, the feeling of not belonging is something we decide. For me it’s tied to not feeling like I’m all in on something. I’ve long been a pro at playing on the periphery, ready to jump at the next opportunity while failing to see the potential I am leaving on the table in the current “next opportunity” I had started at another jumping point. Attack, focus, overthink, be prepared, bend the knees, ready to jump. Like a lot of this, it’s not a “woe is me”, it’s recognition with hope.
Recognition and hope. To realize and remind that most of what I (we) need, we have. Sometimes we have to look harder, sometimes we have to look differently, but it’s there. Behind the excuses. Next to the “yeah but”. It’s been there all along inside of you. It’s that door you closed so you wouldn’t leave yourself open to hurt, to disappointment and to failure.
It’s time to get back to all in. To quit running from. To start running to.
You may never be one of them. But is anyone really?
#hugsandhi5s
