Tonight I sit and I itch. Not because anything is biting me (I don’t think) but because something might. To get tot the bottom of this is simple. To understand why men are such idiots is a little more complex.

As you may have heard, I’ll be heavily participating in Ironman Florida this weekend (sick brag!) and Ironman is a rich white guy’s sport. If your scoring at home and wondering, I’m one of these things.

This all started back in April when me and my boy Fritz went to Galveston, TX for the 70.3 race they have there. At mile 69.9 for me, the skies opened, lightning struck everywhere and they called the race. In a first ever (as far as I can tell) Ironman offered a discount to a number of different races occurring the rest of the year. As my friend Luke was signed up for Florida, I figured I’d go ahead and sign up and he and I could spend all summer abusing each other. I spoke to Luke for the first time in 4 months on Tuesday. Suffice to say it’s been a long lonely summer.

As the fall progressed and our family’s scheduled evolved it turned out that not only did I sign up for an Ironman on my sons birthday weekend but I also did so on my kids homecoming weekend. Hooray for my keen sense of planning!

So for a couple of months I looked around for cheap hotels. It’s just going to be me anyway so who cares, right?

I get on one of those sites to get cheap rooms and find the Chateau by the Sea. $274 all in for 3 nights, with a beach view! I have to give it to them. The pics are great. And there is at least one really nice looking room here somewhere because it’s been photographed.

Le Chateau looks to have been built in 1965. It’s an old school motel with all the doors on the outside. There’s a pool and an odd numbering system but big deal.

Upon entering the room there’s a definite odor. Not a stink. Just a think mustiness that I can live with. Fiberboard everything and minimal lighting. The sheets look crisp and clean so despit e the fact that the “kitchenette” is circa 1978 it will have to do.

Then I start to itch.

I do a perfunctory check of the beds for any sort of bugs and am satisfied there are none so this itch has to be mental. I’m projecting fear of getting bugs onto what is clearly a serviceable room, albeit without a pillow top mattress. Totes unfair.

So back to the original point. Men are idiots. My wife would never do this. She’d get a reasonable hotel or condo and that would be that. But men are martyrs. We have to show that it’s no big deal. We are just being frugal and it’s no big deal. “It’s just a room. Who cares. Not like I’ll be spending much time there anyway.”

Then we itch and buy melatonin for the first time to try just in case someone is smoking meth and rock’n and roll’n all night.

Oh, and I forgot to mention. Filed in the “you just can’t make this shit up.” category. As I was unpacking my van two other vans pulled up and a group of midgets piled out. Now midget may sound insensitive and in other cases it may be. In this case, I’m sure it’s fine because it’s printed on their van. MWA-Midgets With Attitude. A group of midget wrestlers. I’m surrounded by royalty.