BROCCOLI

A friend reached out yesterday to recommend I give myself a break. Or more accurately “some grace”. Then I made perfect broccoli. So there. Suck it world. I am worthy. 

I am ever appreciative of people who do reach out to me. I realize (mostly after the fact) that I sometimes blurt out in class,  the things that most people wouldn’t share with a confidant or therapist or anyone. It’s not for affect.   No cries for help. I mostly  just don’t consider things “too private” I guess. What’s the worst thing people will think? “That guys A LOT.” “He’s a mess.” Or “what a narcissist a-hole!”  Meh. I’ve been and will be called worse. 

So I wake up and let it rip.  Damn the torpedoes and such. 

I’ll start today though with a continued leniency on myself. I’ll keep my eyes open for the small shiny spots in the day and try and build upon them. A run. A hot shower. The dogs unconditional love. Hot coffee. 

People talk a lot about grace. I was going to say “these days” but I’m not sure if that’s right. Maybe we just haven’t been hearing the cries for it. I do think the last year has let us adjust how hard we are on ourselves for sure. On others?  Well, one out of two ain’t so bad. 

For as hard as I am on myself, and it’s plenty, I do feel like I try to give others way more leeway than I’d ever afford myself. Maybe it’s because I want to be liked and maybe it’s because I actually do realize that the constraints and expectations I levy internally are  at best, unreasonable. Enough so that when I look outward my initial inclination is to say “well that’s not reasonable.”  In the end this spills over onto me, well, in theory. Sometimes it just takes awhile to get there. 

What’s never lost if I dig deep enough is that the expectations I have of myself are never in alignment with the realities of achieving them. Whether from skill set, effort, or correctly setting, these things just don’t seem to come to fruition. This creates an imbalance and sense of chase, of “it will be that way one day”, looking constantly to change and become instead of settling in and appreciating what I have and who I am. This is all of us right?  

Yesterday I went and finished the meal prep I started on Sunday. While doing so I noticed me, enjoying it. Cooking for others. Executing a loose plan, I never overdo it on the planning end, I was plating a dish and looked down at the broccoli and thought. “That’s broccoli is perfect.  I’d put my broccoli up against anyone.”  Silly sounding? Maybe.  But I followed that thought with. “See Julia, I give myself credit all the time.”  That’s how simple it can be.  I smiled to no one, warmth spread ing over me as I continued to plate. A jump off point to a good day realized. 

#hugsandhi5s