8 days. 8 posts. A whole lot of you oughta, i woulda and you shoulda. Each post followed for me by a whole lot of “am I walking the walk?”
After almost every single post the same nagging self doubt I feel all the time comes to the forefront.
“Do the people who know me best, think that I am full of shit? Are the things I say really how I’m living?”
I tend to be a person of absolutes so when I make a post like yesterday’s regarding being honest with yourself, my brain goes into overdrive creating the questions and thoughts I think those closest to me are asking and thinking. Do they think I’m full of shit? Am I living what I am writing? Are they saying “here he goes again?”
Read that last part again. “creating the questions and thoughts I think those closest to me are asking and thinking. Do they think I’m full of shit? Am I living what I am writing?” I am literally creating conflict and self doubt out of thin air. How strange a creature we are.
The answer to the above has so many layers, the most jarring of which is “how naive of you to think you’re friends have even formed an opinion.” For all I know they haven’t even read it, yet here I am driving down the road wondering if I have lived up to my self stated and promoted expectations in their and your eyes.
I will say that the best thing that came out of this mental game was a default to something I tell myself a lot and is the big thought. “I can’t do anything about what anyone thinks. I can only do my best to live out what I have stated.” Followed by, I have good friends and family that will call me on any bullshit. Deal with it.
Every day is a reset. Did I live a truly authentic, 100% honest with myself day? No? Today I get a chance to do it again. Maybe yesterday I got as far as just looking in the mirror and thinking honestly about something. Today maybe I get to really defining it and tomorrow I can come up with the FIRST NEXT STEP.
Progress over perfection.
Life is lived 90% in the grey between our black and white decisions and “more honest” is better than “less”.